We have taken the plunge, moved back to Illinois, and of
course have mixed feelings. So many posts, so little time.
Right now I have a catheter. (Me, Latitude, the wife & mom) And at one point a friend asked
if it was miserable, and I said for some reason I’m remarkably calm about the
whole thing. She then suggested that perhaps a urinary catheter is the secret
to happiness. As we explained to my now 3.5 year old daughter, a straw goes in
my “butt” to get my pee out because I tried and tried and could not get my pee
to come out.
Clearly the next few million blog posts are not going to be
chronological because telling a story in the right order is overrated, right?
Anyway, I have been suffering from urinary retention since
around Halloween. The doctors had several ideas as to the cause but at this
point all those possible causes have been healed/removed so I have no idea why
I can’t pee. Also, when someone says “suffering” from urinary retention, they
mean it.
(Confidential to any family members, especially male: read
at your own risk. TMI approaching. Or, we might already be there. Just
remember-things can’t be unread.)
(Female family members and IRL friends: you’re probably
okay, unless blood and/or medical issues make you squeamish. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.)
I’m even giving you space to think about it…
Blood…
Pee…
Tubing…
Ready? Okay.
For the past three months, I have been literally forcing my
pee out. I actually told one of the doctors that I feel like I have to push
harder than when I had my baby (2.5hours of pushing and more than one doctor
saying there was no way she would fit through my pelvis.)
First I feel the normal need to empty my bladder. Then basically, I would sit on the loo and wait. Wait. Wait. Strain just a little to see if a stream would start. Then strain harder and get a few drops. Then spend the next 10 minutes straining with all my might, drop by drop, taking breaks to catch my breath, until I felt like I had at least gotten enough out to relieve the feeling of having to go. (My “stream”: picture squeezing a citrus fruit without seeds, luckily.)
10-40 minutes later, repeat.
Some days, I was almost normal, but between October to the
present this problem was gradually worsened; I mentioned it to every doctor,
but all my other random issues could have explained it.
At one point I was blaming it on the height of the toilets
in our house! Denial? Perhaps.
I have pain with this, sometimes debilitating. We think at
this point it’s probably my right kidney. I can’t count how many times I’ve
been to the ER during normal business hours because healthcare in America is so
awesome. There’s so much more to this story but here’s the best part:
So a few days ago I thought I was developing a yeast
infection from the antibiotics I was on for a UTI that I probably never even
had. I have never had a yeast infection confirmed, and I the one I once treated
as such turned out to be an unfortunate allergy to a silicone-based lube. Those
of you who know me realize I have taken
antibiotics before. Once or twice. Or “a jillion” as my mom would say. I am
clearly NOT prone to yeast infections, unless I am breastfeeding an infant,
apparently, and the yeast obviously grows far, far away from the area I’m
currently concerned about. I call Longitude and ask him to go to Walgreen’s for
the billionth time and he gets me the top-of-the-line one-day treatment because
he’s amazing. (I knew I could not endure more than one day of anything leaking
out of me AND a hose coming out of a similar area…more on that later.) Two days
later, itching/burning is worse, but I notice that I have no unusual goop and the itching doesn’t go very far,
um, let’s just say up.
So I call my PCP (Primary Care Provider, the BS term for
regular doc) and say that the OTC treatment did nothing and to have the RN call
me back because I probably need the strong prescription stuff. (None of this is
making sense to me…usually only women who have had to treat multiple yeast
infections over time need the Rx but whatever.)
I jump (as quickly as one can jump with a tube hanging out
of their crotch) in the shower, switch legs for the tube because the left leg
seems irritated. I SEE A HIVE THE SHAPE OF A TINY SNAKE. Exactly the shape of
where the catheter was. I could even see the Y-shape at the end. A red, itchy,
raised, hive the shape of a catheter DESIGNED TO PREVENT ALLERGIES! (It says
clearly in black ink: made of 100% silicone.) I sure wish I had paid more
attention to the fact that there is only one lube we ever buy because we know
it won’t hurt me.
Okay, no this is the BESTEST part:
Urology does not return a call for 5 hours. I call them back
and they say that since I haven’t had my initial appointment they cannot give
me any advice about hives in my crotch. Could they not have just told me that
when I called freaking out at 10am? So, I go to the ER to GET A CATHETER
CHANGED. What a waste of resources…I can’t even talk about how stupid this is.
Fortunately the RNs and MD are awesome and quickly get me into a lovely latex
catheter that was SENT DOWN FROM UROLOGY.
I swear, if my life were on TV, it would be one of those
ridiculous shows that adds any possible plot twist imaginable but it’s all so
unbelievable it gets cancelled after 6 episodes.
I’m considering renaming this blog: You Just Can’t Make This
S*@T Up!
Oh, and during this I have a disabled father-in-law going in
for major surgery, a preschooler having her VERY FIRST experience with
diarrhea, and, of course, my period starts unexpectedly with the heaviest flow
I’ve had since my most recent miscarriage.
Things this experience has taught me:
- any
fluid, even blood, loves to follow the outside of tubing.
- There
is no way to keep yourself clean during a heavy flow with a catheter inside
you.
- Don’t
EVER, I mean EVER try to use a tampon and catheter at the same time.
The only other thing I will say is I ended up getting the
soft-ish waterproof towel thingy we used to put in the car in case the dog
puked and had it on my bed. The end. Oh, and OxiClean works very well on
bloodstains. The end end.