TIP JAR

Saturday, January 21, 2012

The Secret to Happiness


We have taken the plunge, moved back to Illinois, and of course have mixed feelings. So many posts, so little time.

Right now I have a catheter. (Me, Latitude, the wife & mom)  And at one point a friend asked if it was miserable, and I said for some reason I’m remarkably calm about the whole thing. She then suggested that perhaps a urinary catheter is the secret to happiness. As we explained to my now 3.5 year old daughter, a straw goes in my “butt” to get my pee out because I tried and tried and could not get my pee to come out.
Clearly the next few million blog posts are not going to be chronological because telling a story in the right order is overrated, right?

Anyway, I have been suffering from urinary retention since around Halloween. The doctors had several ideas as to the cause but at this point all those possible causes have been healed/removed so I have no idea why I can’t pee. Also, when someone says “suffering” from urinary retention, they mean it.

(Confidential to any family members, especially male: read at your own risk. TMI approaching. Or, we might already be there. Just remember-things can’t be unread.)
(Female family members and IRL friends: you’re probably okay, unless blood and/or medical issues make you squeamish.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.)







I’m even giving you space to think about it…





Blood…







Pee…










Tubing…








Ready? Okay.

For the past three months, I have been literally forcing my pee out. I actually told one of the doctors that I feel like I have to push harder than when I had my baby (2.5hours of pushing and more than one doctor saying there was no way she would fit through my pelvis.)

First I feel the normal need to empty my bladder. Then basically, I would sit on the loo and wait. Wait. Wait. Strain just a little to see if a stream would start. Then strain harder and get a few drops. Then spend the next 10 minutes straining with all my might, drop by drop, taking breaks to catch my breath, until I felt like I had at least gotten enough out to relieve the feeling of having to go. (My “stream”: picture squeezing a citrus fruit without seeds, luckily.)

10-40 minutes later, repeat.

Some days, I was almost normal, but between October to the present this problem was gradually worsened; I mentioned it to every doctor, but all my other random issues could have explained it.

At one point I was blaming it on the height of the toilets in our house! Denial? Perhaps.

I have pain with this, sometimes debilitating. We think at this point it’s probably my right kidney. I can’t count how many times I’ve been to the ER during normal business hours because healthcare in America is so awesome. There’s so much more to this story but here’s the best part:

So a few days ago I thought I was developing a yeast infection from the antibiotics I was on for a UTI that I probably never even had. I have never had a yeast infection confirmed, and I the one I once treated as such turned out to be an unfortunate allergy to a silicone-based lube. Those of you who know me realize I have taken antibiotics before. Once or twice. Or “a jillion” as my mom would say. I am clearly NOT prone to yeast infections, unless I am breastfeeding an infant, apparently, and the yeast obviously grows far, far away from the area I’m currently concerned about. I call Longitude and ask him to go to Walgreen’s for the billionth time and he gets me the top-of-the-line one-day treatment because he’s amazing. (I knew I could not endure more than one day of anything leaking out of me AND a hose coming out of a similar area…more on that later.) Two days later, itching/burning is worse, but I notice that I have no unusual goop and the itching doesn’t go very far, um, let’s just say up.

So I call my PCP (Primary Care Provider, the BS term for regular doc) and say that the OTC treatment did nothing and to have the RN call me back because I probably need the strong prescription stuff. (None of this is making sense to me…usually only women who have had to treat multiple yeast infections over time need the Rx but whatever.)

I jump (as quickly as one can jump with a tube hanging out of their crotch) in the shower, switch legs for the tube because the left leg seems irritated. I SEE A HIVE THE SHAPE OF A TINY SNAKE. Exactly the shape of where the catheter was. I could even see the Y-shape at the end. A red, itchy, raised, hive the shape of a catheter DESIGNED TO PREVENT ALLERGIES! (It says clearly in black ink: made of 100% silicone.) I sure wish I had paid more attention to the fact that there is only one lube we ever buy because we know it won’t hurt me.

Okay, no this is the BESTEST part:

Urology does not return a call for 5 hours. I call them back and they say that since I haven’t had my initial appointment they cannot give me any advice about hives in my crotch. Could they not have just told me that when I called freaking out at 10am? So, I go to the ER to GET A CATHETER CHANGED. What a waste of resources…I can’t even talk about how stupid this is. Fortunately the RNs and MD are awesome and quickly get me into a lovely latex catheter that was SENT DOWN FROM UROLOGY.

I swear, if my life were on TV, it would be one of those ridiculous shows that adds any possible plot twist imaginable but it’s all so unbelievable it gets cancelled after 6 episodes.

I’m considering renaming this blog: You Just Can’t Make This S*@T Up!

Oh, and during this I have a disabled father-in-law going in for major surgery, a preschooler having her VERY FIRST experience with diarrhea, and, of course, my period starts unexpectedly with the heaviest flow I’ve had since my most recent miscarriage.


Things this experience has taught me:
-       any fluid, even blood, loves to follow the outside of tubing.
-       There is no way to keep yourself clean during a heavy flow with a catheter inside you.
-       Don’t EVER, I mean EVER try to use a tampon and catheter at the same time.

The only other thing I will say is I ended up getting the soft-ish waterproof towel thingy we used to put in the car in case the dog puked and had it on my bed. The end. Oh, and OxiClean works very well on bloodstains. The end end.