Profession: Blogger!

Profession: Blogger!
This pie chart shows how much professional bloggers make. I don't feel like a professional yet because I am in the category of the 17.6% of people who make nothing. I have not been paid even a dollar to blog yet from any monetizing source but I have high hopes! I've wanted nothing more than to be paid to sit down and write since I became an adult and started having so darn much to say and not enough time to say it! I'm going to go to sleep again soon but I do hope that one person donates to PayPal so I can wake up and call myself a "real" writer. :)
And my overall page views are only 17,000 since I started this 11 years ago...so yes, in terms of traffic...I've got a long way to go. That's why even just clicking on my blog and being here can help me and part of why I appreciate you all so much.

Super (Bowl) Sunday

Okay my post titles are just getting ridiculous now. But legal weed is almost here in Illinois so I had to try out a pot pun. But anyway, I can’t sleep tonight not because I’m manic or don’t feel well, which can often be the case with my medical issues…but I am not sleeping because I am excited about “my” new house. The reason this has to be in quotes is that my house isn’t even mine yet. I have my current lease until July 31^st, but with Chris’s new job and my SSDI put together we can definitely afford to rent a whole 3 bedroom, 1 bath house!! And I have so many plans for it! I wish I could post a picture from street view but I worry that it still won’t happen even though I have my heart set on it. It has a fenced backyard so my daughter’s new dog could come stay any time he wanted to! Or Chris and I could get a puppy! Actually it’s more likely that we would adopt an adult dog, but it would have to be small and get along impeccably with kids and other pets. Anyway, the possibilities are truly endless for me to have a service animal of sorts…a companion dog for anxiety. 

In the place I lived before this I lived with a rescue named Bobbi. She’s a pit bull mix. A beautiful, loving dog who just happens to be too big for her own good. She is the sweetest pet you could own, and kept me safe in my room all the time, but she wasn’t socialized very well because her first 9 months of life she was a stray. Anyway I could wax poetic about dogs for another several hours but instead I’m going to do something else. 

On my to-do list:

-register my business (Limited Liability Corporation) with the state

-find out what it takes to submit 501©3 paperwork…I know I will be tax exempt every year of my life from now on being on disability but I don’t know if any business income eventually need to be taxed.

-ask primary care doctor for Imitrex in shot form for home use because I cannot wait two hours for these horrible migraines I’ve been getting to stop

-see surgeon on Tuesday and convince him that I’m healthy enough to get cleared for my labral tear hip surgery

-watch more Better Call Saul-it's educational!

I wonder which one I’ll choose for the rest of the night. J

Almost Sunday

Another quick post. I just got my business PayPal account set up and linked at the top of the page. Even if you can only spare $1, that is so much appreciated. I have spent a lot of my life paying medical bills and can and will always be able to use the help. At some point this blog may run ads as well but I haven't been approved yet nor do I have enough traffic to sustain them. Also I will be promoting more posts in the future for a dollar or two a day once I can afford it. I've only promoted two so far for a couple of dollars but every little bit helps. 💕 to all.

Sublime Saturday

Today was truly the best day I've had in a long, long time. I didn't see my kids today, but it wasn't my day to see them anyway and they were happily spending time with their grandparents and friends so I knew they were safe. And being able to text them thoughts and pictures (even with my 6 year old who isn't reading fully yet) is life-changing. I'm sure I'll be able to see them in real life or by FaceTime tomorrow. Even if all we do is eat unicorn pudding and play youtube videos together.

I started the day out waking up. And every day that I wake up, especially a day that I wake up feeling physically and mentally well, is already the best day of my life. I met my amazing neighbor, Leslie (aka LL or Cheechette), outside for our morning “smoke break”. It does not always involve smoking anything, but we love taking fresh air and sunshine breaks together. She had already gotten out her favorite bowl to cut fresh salad greens for us to eat. I couldn’t wait to get inside, and I was able to tolerate standing long enough (and using the wheelchair a bit) to make a 6 egg white omelet full of tender, fresh, young greens. They were done when they hit the pan practically. And I only added 4 ingredients. Then I had leftover chicken curry that CB had made me the night before for lunch. Basically I’m spoiled and I eat like a king. There isn’t much that I like to eat that isn’t available to me. And next Saturday I have plans to hit the farmer’s market first thing. I can even use my food stamps to buy fresh veggies and fruit and even meat and other things. 

Finally, I got to take an awesome nap. Let’s just say that Chris’s first full-time work week took a log out of both of us, and after some much needed alone time we each slept for several hours. There’s no way I can pick just one picture so I’m attaching a bunch. Hopefully you can tell what they are of without captions because I’m too tired to add them. But you can always comment and ask a question and I’ll do my best to see it and answer it! Love to everyone reading this right now. You all keep me going, facing each day, and I can't thank you enough for that. 🌺😊

Wheelchair Travels

I realized yesterday that for the first time in many months, my health was better on Friday than it was on Monday. I had two appointments last week, one with the Ortho that gave me the hip injection and one with a Podiatrist. I have an old ankle injury and tendonitis in the same leg that has the labral tear hip problem so I'm now in a walking boot. But that actually translates into me being able to walk without crutches or the wheelchair, even outside on uneven ground.
With my newfound freedom I decided to stop by the campfire at my kids' house and I got to reconnect with old friends I hadn't seen in a long time. It felt good to be on my two feet and I feel taller than I ever have. I truly can't imagine being in a wheelchair full-time, especially without the ability to stand up even momentarily to reach something or see something up on a countertop. I'll share a tip I learned while being in the chair: don't lean on, touch, or begin to push someone's wheelchair without their permission. There is nothing more frustrating than being headed in one direction, stopped for a specific reason, or otherwise going about one's business when a "helpful" person decides to take over your bodily autonomy. I am generally a quiet person, and only become assertive if absolutely necessary, but I have politely let people know that grabbing the back of my chair is more of a hindrance than a help. If you do want to help a disabled person, perhaps holding a door open or reaching up to pour their fountain drink would be a better bet, but always *ask* if/how you can help.
This morning's coffee was delicious, but our pantry was pretty bare. And SNAP money doesn't come out until the 4th. However, at about the time to start cooking lunch, our amazing neighbor came over with some chicken and other ingredients. So today we'll cook and break bread with her. The chicken will probably end up being curry chicken! 😋 Also, CB starts his new full-time, permanent job on Tuesday. Which of course is fantastic news for us but leaves me a bit nervous. I know I am in much better shape being left home alone than I was a few months ago though. Trying to stay positive. Also I want to go to our local charity called "Salt and Light" and sign up for their volunteer program. I think I could be a greeter sitting in a chair at the door and they only require 20 hours/month. Then I'd get store credit for what they sell, which includes groceries, housewares, and pretty much anything else we'd need.
Another exciting thing for me is that my lease is up at the end of July! And I assumed I'd be resigning for another year, but with Chris and my forces combined I know we can afford a whole house! Maybe even a 3 bedroom house! It will be little, but still in Urbana. I can imagine the kids having a room to sleep in and I think the extra room would have to be a space for C to spread out and make noise with all his toys. And that thought makes me feel happy and content and keeps me going another day.
When I think about all the things I couldn't do without help, instead of feeling sad and helpless I just feel grateful, appreciative, thankful, and glad that I have the community I do. Love to all and thanks for reading and sharing. 😁

Rainbows and Narwhals

Hi all. I'm really hoping that some of you are "meeting" me for the first time. So, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Erin (aka. Latitude) and I was born in Champaign, IL and now reside in it's sister city, Urbana. I started this blog over 11 years ago when I was pregnant with my daughter, Ava. I had been working as an Emergency Department RN but was very sick during pregnancy and had to be on light duty. The hours spent in front of the computer back then made me feel like a "real" writer. My favorite poet/prose writer FOLLOWED MY BLOG, GUYS. He even sent me a personal message. I was hooked on having an audience read what I had to say. It was at the height of blog popularity and I followed lots of other bloggers, many of whom were pregnant and/or had new babies.
Over the years I spent all my time with my now two children, working and raising them and dealing with more health problems than anyone should have to deal with in one life, so the blog got left by the wayside.
As I became sicker and sicker this past year, and my life changed immeasurably for the better when my partner Chris moved 2,000 miles to be with me, I found myself in front of the computer with so much more of a purpose than I've ever had. I have written children's books already and can see the illustrations in my head. (My new blog with not much content, Always Ambidextrous is dedicated to that project.) I have journaled with fury on my computer and in whatever notebook was closest to me while I've been fighting for my life.
There's so much to say and explain on the medical side of things but I'll start my listing my most debilitating diagnoses. Gasteroparesis (stomach paralysis), Esophageal Spasm (completely benign yet debilitating chest pain), Bipolar Type II (ups and downs, highs and lows, complicates and confuses my brain). I also have a labral tear in my right hip that's been keeping me in a wheelchair for the last several months and I have a surgery coming up. Hopefully that explains that when I say "fight for my life" I mean it.
I have been spending the past several months sharing my GoFundMe link all over the place begging for help paying for my medical treatment, food, bills, you name it. I just spent literally my last $2 (I think there's 87 cents in my account now) promoting this website on Facebook. I know that a lot of people will not understand why I would spend anything on this when I don't have enough food in my cabinets to make it until my next income source arrives. However, I still need help. Right now that help could come in the form of GoFundMe donations but I do still look to the day I am a PAID WRITER! 😀 I will be running ads on this site if I get enough traffic, and probably there will be ads on my business Facebook page. But I want you all to know that I am SO much happier getting paid for what I can do rather than be given money for all the things I cannot do. I don't believe that my community should be paying for my medical bills. I believe the government should pay for all of our medical bills (single payer) but that's a rant for another day.
Right now I just want to say a deep and genuine thank you to everyone who has helped me (and us) get this far and look towards a brighter, more hopeful future. And if you haven't seen it before, a donation or share goes a long way. Find me on Facebook, Twitter, or Insta. 💕
Rainbows and Narwhals for Erin's Recovery

Him

Tuesday is turning out to be a busy day talking to doctor's offices, insurance company, and the bank. But as I was organizing things on my computer I found this bit I wrote about my love, Chris or CB as he'll likely be called here. I don't have it in me to write something new that does justice to how I feel about him, so I'll hope this can suffice. Again, thank you for reading...seeing my page views feels like I am getting support from around the world. I would also love to see comments on here if you have a moment!

"She is so blissfully surprised as he leans over for a goodbye kiss that she claps both hands over his cheeks before doing so making him say “Oh! Thank you!” with sincere gratitude in his voice. He’d already put on his bike helmet and turned around to grab his bike off the wall as if it was feather light. He was out the door and she sighed through a smile bigger than she’d felt on her face in a long time. She had never experienced this type of love before. A typical love. One that involves the comfort of sometimes getting an incredible goodbye kiss and another day hearing “is it okay if we pretended we kissed goodbye?” and saying “yes” genuinely because she feels so secure. As she turned to load the bowl, still smiling, she thought about how unlikely this whole situation had seemed to her beforehand and marveled at her own ability.

In bed a few days previously, he told her that he can sense that she’s holding back with kisses. She pulled away to look at him with a puzzled look because she wasn’t quite sure what he meant. He said, “I just hope that someday you get to the point where you are excited about a kiss and not just accepting a kiss.” The knife to her chest was sharp and had a blow to it. She knew immediately what he was talking about then. He was still smiling for the briefest of seconds until he saw her brow furl and chin quiver. She lowered her head and apologized. All she could think about were the reasons that make kissing in particular feel incredibly intimate and caused her to always have a level of reservation. It had never gone away completely before. Drinking, or a starry night, could comfort the scared animal that just wanted to turn and run, but it would only last moments. 

“I’m not being judgmental or trying to rush you or anything like that. Just know that I notice,” he said, stroking her back, which had hackles raised and every muscle twitching, ready to fire. Immediate peace. Of course that was true. She knew that already but hearing it helped snap her out of the place of fear that was telling her she will never be capable. That she is broken, and to top that off how must it feel to be f#cking someone who doesn’t even want to kiss you? It took her a week to realize that he felt how much she’d wanted to give in, but couldn’t, and by the next day she was enjoying having his strong tongue pressed against hers, feeling the contrast between his soft lips and full beard and breathing in a breath that escaped as the tiniest bit of a moan because he knew it had happened. Seeing his face as she backed away made her giddy because she saw there what he already knew: that was more than just the promised excitement. From then on she craved the way his kiss could turn her whole body into a quiver, or calm her to rest at the end of the day."