From Then to Now

So where do I begin?  There is so much in my head right now I am afraid to think what might come out.  I guess the most prevalent item that is always blocking all other thoughts is what is life all about?  After a quick end of my childhood and being thrown into the real world, I thought I had a plan formulated to occupy my life.  Ever since high school I always pictured myself driving out west, with my dog in my jeep, my jeep pulling a small trailer and whatever I couldn't fit in either, wasn't meant to come with me.  My plan was to drive west, find a town to stay at for awhile, work odd jobs and move on.  Never staying too long in one spot, just living the simple life and enjoying the little things.  I always pictured myself finding a nice secluded, untouched area of wilderness and just disappearing, living off the land roaming free of restrictions and worries.  If something happened to me, the only one to be affected would be my dog. 

Looking back on it, it was a good plan.  The only thing that seemed to help me forget life was being in the wilderness, admiring the complex harmony of life and pretending I was a part of it.  I am not sure why I never took off, probably because I was not brave enough to leave those few dear friends I had.  Maybe because I never had a car that would have made it out of the state, or because I didn't have a dog.  Maybe because it seemed stupid and what was the point?  I would have just been running away and not facing my problems.  

A combination of those reasons led me to stay, go to college which gave me more insight into the world. I still felt the same inside but at least I felt like I was doing what I 'should' according to most.  I had faced many of my problems and become a better person by most accounts.  I was popular, fun, smart, able to do most anything I put my mind to but I still felt the same inside.  I could help all of my friends get through hard times, though decisions and make them feel good but I was still miserable inside.  I had thought about killing myself several times but I knew it would only hurt others.  I felt like everyone else could just enjoy life and all I could do was be alive.  I would had good times, but I always had this persistent shadow that would always remind me of my emptiness.  

I had a chance to go backpacking for 6 months on the Appalachian Trail so I immediately jumped at it.  I took a semester of college off and got my stuff ready.  I was expecting it to be the epiphany I so needed to get my life in order.  It was not.  Every day was amazing and it gave me much time to think.  It was so beautiful and simple and complex and daunting.  After a month I had come to the conclusion that I was in love.  Yes that is an epiphany but not the one I was hoping for.  Yes, the man whose plan was to drive west with his dog and live off the land was in love.  During my month on the trail, all I wanted to do was share each moment, each creek, each leaf, each sound, each smell, each breath of fresh air with this one other person.  It made me want to come steal her from the real world and bring her back to my trail world.  Back in the real world she was struggling to help me with my dream and it made me realize how special she was to endure additional misery to try and bring me some happiness. I decided to leave the trail early, and hold onto my Erin forever.  

I love Erin.  Don't get me wrong here, I would do anything for her.  Anything.  She is the fuel that keeps my fire going everyday.  Without her, I would be even more lost.  I was hoping love was the thing missing from my life. The thing that would allow me to feel like everyone else.  The thing that would end my shadow forever.  The thing that would allow me to come home after a day at the office, have a beer and be content with my life.  It is not.  I still feel lost, like I do not belong anywhere, do not have any real direction or hope.  All I seem to have is dreams.  With Erin, I do not feel alone anymore.  It is a great start but where do we go from here?  Now we are lost together.