Now that “The Holidays” are over I can finally say it. Fuck
Baby Jesus. My womb has felt gut-wrenchingly empty for about 34 weeks or so.
I’ve been reading about other women who got pregnant over the summer at almost
the same time as me on a chat room-type website that I used when I was pregnant
with Ava. Why do I torture myself by doing that? It’s the only way I know it
was real.
This morning I tried to log back in and it wouldn’t let me.
Then I re signed up just so I could say hi to some of the women who are still
trying to conceive after all this time or the ones that are about the same
gestation as I would have been. Even still, the stupid website must have been
down or just knew letting me in was a bad idea. Can’t post or blog on my
profile without logging in.
I got rid of the positive pregnancy tests almost the moment
the blood stopped flowing. I woke up early on the day of my daughter’s 3rd
birthday miscarrying. Now, the due date looms just about a month away. It was a
totally unplanned pregnancy. I had gotten Mirena just a few months before
(99.9% protection for up to 5 years!). Right. The damn thing fell out. I went
back to the doctor right before we left Oregon and swore something had to be
wrong with it but he blew me off. Unfortunately, there’s nothing like getting
pregnant that makes a woman wish she were having another baby.
Last time I lost a pregnancy, it was early on and we
conceieved Ava 3-4 months later. (Hence, getting pregnant (accidentally) taught
us we were ready. When the due date (which coincidentally was March as well) of
the lost pregnancy came around, I remember just being frustrated. “I WOULD BE
DONE BY NOW if that first one had stuck!” It’s hard to grieve the loss of a
pregnancy when you can’t even see your shoes, round with a daughter who reminds
you she’s okay with constant nudges.
The OB/GYN I saw a few weeks after my 2nd miscarriage
was so optimistic. I told him all the complications I had with my last
pregnancy and he promised me that there were so many more options that just
weren’t available or studied even just that many years ago and getting me
through a pregnancy wouldn’t necessarily be easy, but possible. That kept me
going for months. The possibility.
As an update to an earlier post, I am now doing
self-catheterization (not nearly as bad as it sounds) when I need to so I’m not
dragging a bag around. I really didn’t know how annoying it was until it was
gone. I’m also awaiting some tests and hopefully explanation as to why I can’t
pee. One explanation could come from an Ortho doctor who ordered an mri of my
spine. Said doctor spent way too long looking at what he could see of my spine
going back and forth on one frame from my hip mri whispering “right there”. I’m
thinking “the possibility” is probably forever gone. Ava likely will never have
a biological sibling and it doesn’t help that she asks all the time where are
her brother and sister.
3 comments:
Ahh, E., I am so sorry. I used to do the same torturing kinds of things until I just couldn't take it anymore, and finally cut off contact with pretty much everyone who was due around the same time as I was when I lost the twins. I've only gotten back in touch with one person, because it still hurts too much.
When will you find out what the spine MRI showed?
I am so sorry- losses are always hard, and in some ways, I think they are more difficult when you already have a child, because you don't get the same kind of support- people take it less seriously somehow, which is silly because it hurts just as much :(
Anyway, if you ever need to talk, feel free to call.
Thanks Beth. I love you and miss you guys so much! I haven't even had the mri yet but I bet Radiology will be calling first thing tomorrow to schedule it, hopefully soon.
I'm scared it'll say I should never have another baby but I know that's really premature. I heard you're coming in March?!
Oh, okay! For some reason I thought you'd had it already. Definitely let us know what the results are, though! I'm coming with Julia in March for a quick weekend for my grandma's birthday. Not sure how much time I'll have because my mom's really on me to spend time with !family! but I'll see what the time I have looks like- and I'm trying to come back for a week in August around Andrea's wedding so I'll have more time to spend with my friends.
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