Him

Tuesday is turning out to be a busy day talking to doctor's offices, insurance company, and the bank. But as I was organizing things on my computer I found this bit I wrote about my love, Chris or CB as he'll likely be called here. I don't have it in me to write something new that does justice to how I feel about him, so I'll hope this can suffice. Again, thank you for reading...seeing my page views feels like I am getting support from around the world. I would also love to see comments on here if you have a moment!

"She is so blissfully surprised as he leans over for a goodbye kiss that she claps both hands over his cheeks before doing so making him say “Oh! Thank you!” with sincere gratitude in his voice. He’d already put on his bike helmet and turned around to grab his bike off the wall as if it was feather light. He was out the door and she sighed through a smile bigger than she’d felt on her face in a long time. She had never experienced this type of love before. A typical love. One that involves the comfort of sometimes getting an incredible goodbye kiss and another day hearing “is it okay if we pretended we kissed goodbye?” and saying “yes” genuinely because she feels so secure. As she turned to load the bowl, still smiling, she thought about how unlikely this whole situation had seemed to her beforehand and marveled at her own ability.

In bed a few days previously, he told her that he can sense that she’s holding back with kisses. She pulled away to look at him with a puzzled look because she wasn’t quite sure what he meant. He said, “I just hope that someday you get to the point where you are excited about a kiss and not just accepting a kiss.” The knife to her chest was sharp and had a blow to it. She knew immediately what he was talking about then. He was still smiling for the briefest of seconds until he saw her brow furl and chin quiver. She lowered her head and apologized. All she could think about were the reasons that make kissing in particular feel incredibly intimate and caused her to always have a level of reservation. It had never gone away completely before. Drinking, or a starry night, could comfort the scared animal that just wanted to turn and run, but it would only last moments. 

“I’m not being judgmental or trying to rush you or anything like that. Just know that I notice,” he said, stroking her back, which had hackles raised and every muscle twitching, ready to fire. Immediate peace. Of course that was true. She knew that already but hearing it helped snap her out of the place of fear that was telling her she will never be capable. That she is broken, and to top that off how must it feel to be f#cking someone who doesn’t even want to kiss you? It took her a week to realize that he felt how much she’d wanted to give in, but couldn’t, and by the next day she was enjoying having his strong tongue pressed against hers, feeling the contrast between his soft lips and full beard and breathing in a breath that escaped as the tiniest bit of a moan because he knew it had happened. Seeing his face as she backed away made her giddy because she saw there what he already knew: that was more than just the promised excitement. From then on she craved the way his kiss could turn her whole body into a quiver, or calm her to rest at the end of the day."