Deep Water

My partner (CB) and I ended up having to take me to the ER overnight on Friday. Because I have Bipolar disorder and the mania was out of control despite my medication and it’s a horrible feeling. But every time we end up in the ER it’s true Russian Roulette, wondering if the doctor will do anything to help. Much of the following comes from texts I sent to the social worker who ended up being assigned to me. She is truly the first person to actually see me, and if anything, it gave me the ability to have a really great day today.

“WOW! Today has been so much fun already! i’m usually spending my Sunday trying to distract myself from the fact that tomorrow is Monday and i’ll have to spend all day on the phone trying to get appointments and medical supplies. Chris and I got to sit in the living room together all morning and play video games while listening to death metal! This is truly the best Sunday I’ve had in months. And I’m going to the library later to see my favorite live music performance. 😊 
Thank you! We’ve both been working so hard at getting anyone to just open their eyes and see me. See us. Because we have all the words in the dictionary between Chris and I but we cannot explain it all with words. But a lot of times the ER doctor at Carle would stand in the doorway and not even come all the way in. And from that point on I knew it would be a huge fight convincing him or her that all I needed was fluids and iv antibiotics and to please just treat me instead of saying 'everything you have is chronic...I can’t help you'."

She responded by saying, “I still cannot believe so many have dropped the ball on you, it’s disgusting.” It’s so validating to have it confirmed that despite the herculean effort CB and I have made, the doctors at Carle just were not helping me, save for one, my Psych doctor.

 After I heard my favorite band play at one of my favorite places today, this is what I posted on Facebook. I think Deep Water goes on my funeral playlist some day. ;)

This song is to all the friends I’ve been drifting away from over the last year, as the waves of illness took me further and further away. But I also know that all kinds of things have a way of making it back to shore after a long journey through the waves. To those of you I miss the most: 
I’ve already sent a letter in a glass bottle to you over and over again and I hope it made its way to you and that you can still read it. 🙂 

Deep Water by The Lonesome Sisters 

“All my intentions and all of my plans
and all of my maps to far distant lands
Float lifeless across the oceans darkened floor
The broken compass of my lonely dreams
Lays buried beneath a shipwreck of schemes
The sound of the wind on the water is all that remains
Way out on the deep blue sea
Let the waves just carry me, to deep, deep water
To deep, deep water
At the edge of this town in a field of wild flowers
You'll find the box where I hid the hour
I walked out the door and hitchhiked to the edge of the sea
and if you look for my home out among all the weeds
and wonder whatever happened to me
Just read the letter I wrote to you in your dream
Way out on the deep blue sea
Let the waves just carry me, to deep, deep water
To deep, deep water
Under the tree where the crows have all gathered
Like stories we bear of things we think matter
I'll meet you out there, where words have nothing to say
And then we'll clap our hands and make the birds fly
And lay in the tall grass and look at the sky
You'll take my hand and then you'll know my name
Way out on the deep blue sea
Let the waves just carry me, to deep, deep water
To deep, deep water”